


Hold Me

by Fallynleaf



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Canon Temporary Character Death, Episode: s09e23 Do You Believe in Miracles?, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-18
Updated: 2014-06-18
Packaged: 2018-02-05 03:45:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 963
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1804123
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fallynleaf/pseuds/Fallynleaf
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In the aftermath of Dean's fight with Metatron, Sam and Castiel are the only ones left to pick up the pieces.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hold Me

As soon as he found out, Castiel rode his stolen grace to the bunker with ragged feathers. He arrived just as the Impala's tires spat out gravel and two broken men, one of them slung partially over the other's shoulder like an albatross dead and bloody around his neck.

Sam said nothing to Cas as he carried his brother's body home.

Cas trailed behind. Fatigue had set into him cold and fast, making his footsteps heavy.

They laid Dean on his bed, the two of them did. Sam alone carried Dean there, but Castiel and Sam both laid him to rest.

Then Sam couldn't look at Dean anymore, and he fled the room, heading aimlessly down the halls. Cas followed him a few paces behind. "Sam," he said, drawing a rough breath.

Sam stopped. He started to turn towards Cas, then stopped and leaned into the wall instead, resting his forehead against the brick. His hand came up to stabilize himself, his fingers curling into a fist. He was shaking. All of him, the tremors wrenching at his shoulders and reverberating through his entire body. Cas approached him, then reached out and touched his shoulder. Sam's trembling stopped.

"I can't heal him," Cas said, to get it out into the air. "I can't even heal you anymore. I don't know how to fix this, Sam."

Sam straightened. Almost stood up to his full height, if it weren't for the invisible weight that was still around his neck.

"I don't know, either," Sam said, and his voice was so small, it was almost lost to the empty halls. "I don't know, Cas. What if there's no coming back from this one?"

There was just the two of them. Two people left in this world to care about the one dead human on the bed in his room.

"Sam..." Cas said, still touching him, if only with the barest pressure. He dropped his hand.

Sam turned, suddenly. "Cas, you can't‒ don't‒"

"Leave?" Cas supplied. "You shouldn't worry, I won't leave. I don't even know if I still can. My grace‒ the grace that's inside of me now, it's dying. Maybe that means _I'm_ dying. Or maybe I'm just becoming mortal, becoming human for good this time. It's impossible to tell." He swallowed. "Both of them hurt."

Sam listened in a far-eyed, broken way. He was past tears, his eyes red, his face bearing salty streaks.

"I don't know how you do it all of the time," Cas said. He kept talking because there was nothing else he could do. "Just staying alive, it _hurts_. It hurts to try, it hurts to fail, it hurts to succeed." A single tear pushed through to his lingering humanity, beading at the corner of his eye and spilling down his cheek. He reached up and wiped it away.

Cas had touched Sam's soul, once. Took it into himself, if only for a brief moment. Transferred its pain onto his own self. He knew how Sam broke because it had broken him, too.

"I thought the solution was to make it stop hurting, but it doesn't. It only stops hurting when you're dead. And angels, those who don't feel pain, they aren't the strong ones. I can put five bullets into my head and stand up and keep walking, but I don't know how to begin to keep going after this," Castiel said.

Now healing Sam, Cas could do that, if only slowly, gradually, like counting grains of salt as they trickled down an hourglass. He could press his fingers to Sam's face and ease the pain of his mortal body.

But there was nothing left. No superficial pain, no time to bide away. Not even words, Cas discovered, as he stood there in silence. Nothing he could say to Sam would help him. There was another tear snaking down Cas's face, a bothersome mortal thing, so small and meaningless, trying to out-flood the sea when it was only a single drop.

Cas couldn't touch Sam to heal him, but he could still touch him. Hold onto him. Anchor them both to this unsteady earth. So he stepped forward and wrapped his arms around Sam, grasping onto something real and tangible.

In Castiel's arms, Sam was catatonic. Rigid. Unresponsive. As if some part of him had momentarily forgotten how.

"Now's the part where you hug back," Cas said, his voice breaking.

Sam laughed. It was soft and hoarse, but he laughed. And as his body shook with the movement in Cas's embrace, his arms reached up and squeezed tight around him. They stood there like that for a few seconds, then Sam's laughter faded into something else, and he was shaking with sobs instead.

Cas could only hold onto him and wait it out. Cas's face was wet, a mess of silent tears; he hadn't noticed them form in time to clear them away. He trailed his hand along Sam's back, past Sam's shoulders, twining around Sam's hair. His tears were on Sam's shirt, now, staining it wet.

 _Is this the place to start?_ Castiel thought, pulling back a little in order to meet Sam's eyes. _Finding something to hold onto?_ He moved his fingers from the back of Sam's head to his cheek, tracing the lines of tears.

Sam stared at Cas, blinking. There was something soft in his eyes, something vulnerable. Cas gently angled Sam's face towards his own then leaned up and pressed his lips to Sam's forehead. Then he touched his lips against Sam's mouth and kissed him there, too.

After that, they separated. Sam straightened a little, and Cas stood a little less weary, his grace fluttering almost alive in his chest. There was just two of them, now.

But maybe that could be enough.


End file.
